mindmeat.
mindmeat.
mindmeat.

indefinite? temporary? who knows?!

it's nice to blog random things from my phone.
or even express my current feelings through pictures//quotes.

see you there? or, not. ><"
either way, keep smiling! <3!

quick entryy....COLLEGE ACCEPTANCE LETTERS HAVE ARRIVED! [[some people are still waiting around for uc berkeley but i didn't even try applying there. ><"] sooo, out of six colleges that i applied to, my only rejection letter was from ucla. ._. but it's ok! because i got into my first choice since sophomore year, uc san diego! buuut, as a winter admit, meaning i don't start until january, and i have to take some community college courses in the fall.

the whole winter admission thing is bittersweet: no guaranteed housing, but the overall cost is cheaper because it's minus one quarter. but still! i got in! i was so happy when i saw that i got accepted! ...i didn't realize it was for the winter quarter until the day after. haha, but ohwells. i get to spend more time adjusting before moving out, more time to say goodbye to people and stuff! more time to work and hopefully save up monies, lol.

so, just because it makes me sound all official and grown up and like a reaaaal college-bound student, i'm a physiology and neuroscience major. quite pleased with that right now. (=

now i just have to work my butt off to look for scholarships, since i know the "real" amount of how much i'm going to have to pay for college. -_-

ohyes, so i've been coughing all week, and it reallyy hurts my abs every time i do cough. ><" but it's a million times better than the fever i had last saturday and sunday! xD

i've been letting myy emotions take over me a lot more lately. i don't know if it's a good or bad thing, or what it means. all i know is that i wasn't lying when i admitted he was kind of cute. i like it when we talk. i like his nice smelling hugs; they're the kind where i don't want to be the first to let go especially.

but we don't talk a lot, onlyy started seeing each other once a week whenever j takes me to his old cityy, and i'm really not looking to be in a relationship right now. neither is he, apparently. he was the person who took care of me for the entire night when i stupidly didn't keep track of how much i drank on an empty stomach.

he's not the typical kind of person that i let myself fall for, and i'm not even near the falling point yet, but all i have to say is that he really is kind of cute, and i love his nice smelling hugs that make me feel safe. (=

j is picking me up in an hour to run some errands, so i guess i'll just type here instead of getting a headstart on homework. xD

well the past week has been kind of weird. or everything since the past weekend. alcohol was involved on friday when j brought me to his old cityy. it was kind of bad. i didn't eat, and i didn't keep track of how much i drank. so, there goes another night that other people have to tell me about....walking into walls, slapping people, hugging people, being really hyper, etcectetce. and, apparentlyy....i made out with some guy in j's car. more could have happened if this guyy didn't have an amazing sense of self-control even while drunk, and yea. i'm eternally grateful for him. i'm glad i was with j's friends. they're all niceguys with a conscience and whatnot.


so i've become a bit closer with j's friends in his other cityy. it's kind of cool, actually. i like bonding with new people. i got to see some of them again yesterday when they came help out with a fundraiser we did at mc donald's. (=

oh. but then, there was the actual weekend part after the friday that i don't even remember at all. apparently, the guy i've only met once at j's birthday party and kept talking to...liked me. and then i found myself in this weird complicated drama shiiit that i haven't experienced in a while and hated to death. because the guy i was talking to is apparently bestfriends with the guyy i made out with while so goneeee. it worried me. the guy i wa talking to showed some major signs of depression, and went out for a walk at 230am...i actually stayed up the entire night trying to talk things out with him. i'm not even kidding. i didn't sleep for 24+ hours trying to fix things. i didn't even do the buttload of stats homework i had to do..i chose friendship over school.


j's reading the book i gave him for his birthdayy, finally. i hope he understands it the wayy i do, or that he learns to understand it. because then, he'd understand me, too.

his xanga, however, does tell me that i disappoint him when i'm drunk. and you know what, i think i disappointed myself a little that night too.

but hell, what a weird wayy to start talking to someone.

breakdown:
1. my sister's disneyland trip with the band in may: $500.
2. ap tests for both my sister &i: $516. <- half a grand for testing!? and i'm not so sure i'll even pass bio or literature....
3. my sister's wisdom teeth getting pulled: $400.
4. my trip to anaheim in april: $200.
5. my dad not even helping with any of the expenses: priceless.

haha, just had to add #5. but seriously, that's all my mom has to pay for in just the coming weeks. fuuuuck.
as much as i'm offering to pay for at least half of my expenses, she's not listening.

doing the fafsa = doing taxes = all of the hidden expenses//debts my dad hid away = argueargueargue.

i'msickofit. -______-


i can't wait to get away from all of this, but i don't want to feel like i'm running away from it all, either. 0=
j says he'll make me a friendship bracelet like the one i made him a while ago to cheer me up. LOL. he's so sillyy. (= but hey! i love friendship bracelets! still have ninia's from last summer &leah's from december on myy wrist. (x

oh! and i'm dumb. i left my statistics book somewhere. at school? on the bus? ON THE GROUND!? lol. i have no idea. .___. i was actually going to study for the test we have tomorrow &try to catch up on two weeks worth of homework, too! ohwells. maybe it'll make its way back to me laterrz. hmm. maybe this means i can catch up on some marketing homework. hehe.

OHOHOH! and DRUMROLL PLEASEEE.....hehe, new piccy, finally! taken yesterday right after i received that shirt in the mail. $5 shirt, whaaa? couldn't help myself! my first teefury shirt. it was a special random grab bag sale &i snatched one! whoo! i'm glad i got a design that actually like, especially since it's discontinued now! xD it's called "i'm not dead you just don't know how to see me."

and yes, i know. i have no eye. -___- but it's the first picture of me i've put up on here that's not of my arms//back! lol! sheesh! plus i decided a smirk is much, much, much more mysterious. (;

hey! it's 3am! i haven't started homework! ...or showered for that matter. apparentlyy, tomorrow is going to be loong day. but a long fun day! j is taking me to his oldcity again! (]=

decided to type here because, well. it's almost 430 in the morning, and i can't get to sleep because the wind is so strong it's knocking things over outside and making eerie noises against my window. i guess it's safe to say that a month and a half of 2009 has come &gone, and i have yet to follow through with the resolution that said i'd "somewhat fix" my sleeping schedule. X=

anyway. woah. feel like there's so much to say! i'm trying not to stress out over college//scholarship stuff...applied for two scholarships so far! new term, new classes. and crap. i dunno why i decided to take ap statistics. ><" it's not that difficult, but the work and effort that i need to do the homework &understand everything completely is just...ugh. so different compared to the easy classes i had last term. -__-

and well, j took me to meet his old friends in his old city twice last month. and it's cool because i love meeting new people, or getting to know people i've met before even better. this one girl in particular was extremely welcoming. (]= she's my soulmate since we're so alike, it's kinda scary. and yep, really glad to have made a new friend THAT'S A GIRL! whoo! go verena! sorry. ><" it's just a lot harder for me to bond with girls than guys usually, for some reason.

mm, i do suck at keeping relationships//friendships with people i don't constantly see though....ever since my classes changed, i don't see j at all anymore. only sometimes, for a few minutes, during lunch or something. and i guess keeping a friendship with him takes a lot more effort than i thought. well. maybe it's because i never instant message people first, or i'm horrible with initiating conversations with people...i talk to people who talk to me first. well, we're kinda drifting apart. and i'm trying to be ok with it. because i realize i'm so nice to him that i end up giving up a lot. so, no more trying so hard to be friends, when he's not gonna make an effort at all. i mean, it shouldn't be that hard, right? no more giving him stupid gas money whenever he asks. i'm going to tell him to go buy his own damn guitar strings, since he's "borrowed" my guitar for so long that his friends refer to it as "his". <- ok, that makes me kind of mad, but he's a lot better at playing it than i am. i wish i still had the guitar so i could at least practice to be better! and i dunno. stuff like that.

he quit smoking again, though. it's been going a lot easier for him ever since he &his ex started talking again last week. they're the good friends they were before now. (=

speaking of last week! hahaha. the first time i drank alcohol in...a year? something close to that. and lmfao. although i'm a huge fan of good innocent sober fun times! well, i dunno. had a blast. good thing j was there to keep me out of trouble. no dd that night....he drove me home when he was drunk. craziest shit ever. typing that reminds me that when i have the chance, i need to tell him not to make a habit out of it...apparently, he drove home drunk again on friday, that scares me because he might not be so lucky one time &that one time is all it takes...we talked in his car for a while. i didn't remember that part. he told me about it. but i was happy, through the falling straight out of his car, laying down in the middle of the street to look at the full moon, walking into my house to have my mom tell me i smelled like alcohol...lol. she didn't ask. and then laughing myself to sleep. xD

well. i needed that night. i'd forgotten how it feels to drink, forgotten what myy limits were, etcetc. and i'd forgotten how much i actually like remembering most of my night, and how much i really do not need to be fucked up to be happy. sureee, alchyy enhances feelings of happiness, but still. i don't need it. and you know what does suck though? people who get wayyy too gone and start throwing up all over the place, in someone's house or their car, insisting they're ok when they're obviously not...being the burden on those who aren't too gone to help out. and i guess i've decided i never want to be that burden. ever. (=

seems like EVERYONE around me is turning legal! 0= well, if anything, i turn seventeen &a half in march. lolol. (x
thankies for bearing with me &reading this if you're actually reading this...hey, it's to make up for not blogging in a little over a month!<3.

ok. so i'm going to say what's been bugging me for the last...i dunno, million years? february 2007, i met a guy. he always sat on one side of the classroom in german class, and i always sat on the other side. one day, i decide to take a seat on his side of the room, and we met. i thought he was cute, so i kept talking to him. and somehow, he's become one of my closest guy friends over the past two years. one of the most important people to me. he knows mostly everything there is to know about me, and he cares. usually. he's j from that superlong last entryy of 2008. -__-"

he is a great friend and everything, but he's also one of those "nice guys". you know, the kind of person who a million people say is "too nice", the person a million other people go to for help with personal issues or whatever. he also moved here a little bit before i met him, and he's still super attached to the friends he has from his old city. he goes back and forth a lot. as much as he can.

i guess i'm one of his closer friends here, but i still can't help but to feel unimportant. unspecial. un-needed. unhelpful. inadequate, even. i know he cares blahblahblah, everything. he'll be there for me whenever i need it...but like i said, he'd do the same for anyone else. i don't know what i'm trying to say here. i guess i'm trying to let some feelings out after holding them in for ages.

i wish i was more special, somehow. to him. because there really are times when i feel like i'm making him my priority when i'm not his. and i know where that kind of imbalance eventually leads...it's happened way too many times before. i wish that i was more important in his life. i've met his other friends, and they really are like a family. i felt so out of place at his birthday party a few weeks ago because i was the only person who wasn't a part of that family. everyone was so nice to me, but still. i didn't really feel like i belonged.


and i guess i ultimately wish my support could have helped him quit smoking for good. i know it's not good to blame myself for things i have zero control over, but i really do wish i could have done more.


scholarship count: 1 in progress, 3 planned.
[[i mean, right when i thought i was free from writing essays for college applications, it's now officially SCHOLARSHIP SEASON! free money is a usually a good motivator, but only sometimes. ><"]]